To do this I need to blow my mind
Richness. I want to talk about richness.
What does that word conjure up for you?
Do you embrace it or does it cause some judgement in you?
Is it for you or for others?
What does it mean?
Is it just to do with money – could it relate to health, quality of life, peace?
For me it conjures up feelings of support and comfort, luxury and ease it also makes me think of colour and creativity, depth and allure, excitement comes to mind, a cushion, something with flavour and strength something that knows it is here, something of beauty.
I am thinking about this because I find myself in a time of my life where I am really asking myself about my relationship to money and I don’t mean money in just its literal sense but in the form of energy that allows more resources, allows us to invest in ourselves, our causes and the things we value. It also asks me to assess my relationship to power.
This interest has not come out of the blue, but the journey that bought me here was not one I had expected.
I would say it started as many things did when my children were born.
My children have stretched my capacity in ways nothing else has. That stretch has I would say in many ways blown me apart, blown me away and kind of reassembled me. I sometimes call it an initiation of fire. It has pushed me into myself, demanded I look deeply into my heart and shown me things I never knew about myself and some things I find very hard indeed to accept. However in that reassembly and in that stretch it has also demanded that I reassess pretty much everything in my life. Here are a few questions that have been emerging for me lately;
What is this habitual feeling that follows me everywhere?
Where does it come from, what do I do with it and how do I change it?
Do I want to live the rest of my life feeling stressed and miserable?
How do I stop transferring this to my children either by subconscious osmosis of my unexpressed emotions (they are sponges) or simply outright raging at them?
What is this creativity bubbling in my gut that wants to explode into the world and what is stopping it?
Why do I equate my spiritual progress with a feeling of depression and boredom?
Where is my voice? What is it I want to say?
What does any of this have to do with herbal medicine?
Do you know where these questions have taken me? They have asked me to consider richness and my relationship with money.
It wasn’t straight there the journey started with working with my emotions (and this is still going on – big time.) Through releasing some of these emotions I made some space to start dreaming again, connecting back to threads that have always run through me, a creative impulse I have always managed to follow.
These threads have taken me to Dartington School of the Arts to study the art of theatre and performance, taken me to live up a tree in Newbury, taken me to America to study dance improvisation, taken me to Scotland to study Herbal medicine and pack up my house and put my life in a car.
This ability to follow my instincts and trust in life has never failed me.
Then my children were born and with the wonder they are – all creativity – physical, spiritual and emotional, poured into them and I never felt so rich, so held and so fulfilled.
Then the years of childcare start to take their toil and what a word that is. For it is very easy to fall into this energy of toil – and it is not surprising for mothering in this day and age is hard with no extended family close by – and more and more expectations of what a mother should be.
And then if you want to try and work then you have to draw this time and space from either your own bank of money or your own bank of energy and always from your own bank of guilt until we finally end up feeling as though we have no resources left whatsoever and certainly no space to dream anymore and we are left with the resonance of our own raging, our own disappointment in ourselves and even shock at the way we turned out as mothers. What do we do with that?
So I have come full circle back to my creativity – I need my creativity but I don’t have any space in my mind to imagine or dream or create resources it is full of my self loathing – so I look to escape, I long to escape, so I don’t have to face this onslaught of emotions and feelings of toil and loneliness but my searching won’t let me escape it wants to know why it is like this, it wants to find richness again.
And I don’t want to escape I want to look it in the eye and find out who I am. I know I have the answers I know I have the capacity and I know that it starts with asking the questions.
Here are my answers so far…
My children are giving me the key to understand my emotional barriers to what I want to live, create be in this world. At times this confrontation with my emotions makes me want to run away but I know this is the only way I will ever know myself and actually release the potential I know I have inside me.
My children need to see my emotions and know that they are not the cause of them.
I am never going to believe that circumstance is the reason behind my emotions even though it always feels like it is.
I am not going to do this alone anymore I am going to get the help (in whatever form I need) to allow me the space and time I need to let my creative force run free again.
My creativity is going to serve me to think out of the box about what this help might be, what the shape of my mothering might look like and who might I choose to help me with this. So far this has come in the shape of Sufi meditation/therapy/coaching/herbal medicine/acupuncture/professional memberships/ and is currently forming into the shape of some kind of home help as well as a virtual assistant and a dispenser in my business.
I am going to earn more money than I can at this point imagine earning so that I can invite in the resources I need to bring my vision and creativity into the world.
This at times feels really good and at other times feels like I am giving up something Holy to do it!
Actually focusing on my limiting beliefs about money has revealed limiting beliefs I have of what I believe the ultimate Provider can provide.
Focusing on money is not really the important thing here but focusing on things that make me uncomfortable or ask me to stretch myself in some way will always unearth some aspect of my limiting self which can reveal insight into all areas of my life even my limited ideas of what the Divine, benevolent provider is.
When I have the feeling that I can earn as much money as I need, even before I have earned that money, I feel my vibrational being change and I then interact with my children on a different vibrational level. I realise that this is me experiencing a sense of positive power and in that I then acknowledge my position of leadership and how this position of leadership need feel less like toil and more an inspired event.
To do this I need to blow my mind.
I need to blow my mind free of limiting beliefs often held in the emotions stored in the body from a time there was no one to hold that emotion.
My mind is a tool that when connected to the heart can imagine the life force in all its richness and form and can bring it into the world in the form it is urging itself out of me.
Our dreams will always and only be manifested by a greater force than us in more positive and sometimes unseen ways and this means we need to learn to trust.
This does not mean we do not need to dream them and take action on them.
At times I feel the fear.
If this fear wins it builds resentment which creates misery and negativity which my children drink up like a sponge.
I endeavour to keep searching for that creative thread and set it free.
I endeavour to set my children free with the excitement waiting to explode in me.
I endeavour to show the world that creative engagement and being on purpose will set my physical and emotional health free.
A scarcity mindset is not only about thinking there is a lack of money but a lack of good feeling to be had and that our feelings are dependent on what others do around us and our dependence on others to make us feel better.
I invite richness of all kinds into my life.
As the mother, the creator, the leader of the family, the one that makes home, shapes it, imagines it and lives within it I am asking myself how can I allow in colour and creativity, depth and allure, excitement. How can I make the emotions feel more cushioned and allowed, safe and inviting. How can we make this soup of family and vocation rich and flavoursome, strong and soft? How can we be present, knowing that we are all welcome here, something of beauty? How can I invest in me, give myself what I need, to create what I need, to support those in my care?
Yes this is an invitation for money into my life to support these dreams but it is also an invitation to an abundance of good feeling. How can I overturn the toil, and reconfigure the energy, the vibration, make it work for me, for us for the small and the greater community?
This is about leadership of family and leadership of my creative life. It is about connecting to myself deeply to hear how I can connect deeply with those around me and in the wider world. And through this I have realised that I want to take people with me on this journey. I want to strengthen people’s voices, visions and help them on their journey to health through their own connection to their creative lives and supported by the unique manifesting qualities of herbal medicine.
And this is what it has to do with herbal medicine because this is my journey this is my practice and it is unique and it is here to serve you. It is here to help you deepen that connection to your own life force that underpins your health. It is here to hold your trauma so that the energy being held there is released for new growth.
I invite you to come with me on this journey and see how working with me and the herbs can strengthen your voice, deepen your creative connection, disperse your symptoms and start the journey of manifesting your visions into the world.
This project is called A Connected Life. If you are interested in please reply here.
I honour all of you out there on your journeys. I honour all of you.